8/23/2010

Never Taste Anything You Think Is Dope or It Could Leave You With a Very Very Bad Taste in Your Mouth

Being from Bakersfield where horse shit was easy to come by, I naturally tried to make good use of this resource. For fun I used to offer my friends a "joint" simply to watch their facial reactions and then hear them say: "This stuff tastes like shit." I did not realize this at the time, but it can actually be a felony or a misdemeanor in California to unlawfully offer to sell, furnish, transport, administer, or give away fake drugs. So for anyone who thinks this is a fantastic prank (because let’s be honest, it really is hilarious), please do not try to offer fake drugs to anyone.

Now I definitely I don’t advocate that children or teenagers smoke marijuana. It is harmful to your development because the prefrontal lobes of your brain haven’t fully developed until after your reach your late 20s, according to what my neuropsychologist friends have told me.

Nonetheless, being the juvenile delinquent I was, I did smoke dope while in high school. Maybe the brain damage is what caused me to become a criminal lawyer. So why do a lot of people continue to bring drugs to school? It is not a good idea, yet people continue to do it anyway. As your blogging attorney I must strongly advise against bringing drugs to school.

My own mother and I had a very unusual relationship while I was growing up. She was a very tough woman who grew up in an orphanage and believed in hard work, hard drinking, and scrappin' it out in an occasional bar fight once in a while. Until my mom lost control of me, she tried her hardest to discipline me, even though I was a such a loose cannon.

Remember the classic horse shit joint prank? Naturally I used to keep a small supply around the house for just such an occasion. One day, I was in junior high school and I was abruptly called out of class. When I went to the front desk, there stood my mother with a very angry look on her face. I looked at her with concern and said, "What’s going on mom? Why you here?"
"Son, I found this in your room," she said as she displayed a plastic baggie which contained a stinky green substance and looked at me a very disgruntled gaze. "Son, have you been smoking marijuana again?" I replied, "Oh no, mom, that’s not marijuana, that’s horse shit." She looked at me first with a very puzzled look and then her face contorted into a look of disgust as I had never seen on my sweet mother before. "What’s wrong mom?" I asked. She turned as white as a ghost and told me, "I tasted it!" Evidently, my mother thought I had a bag of marijuana in my room, and she somehow thought she could verify her suspicion by tasting it.

This is a cautionary tale to us all.

Parents: Don’t taste stuff you find in your kid’s room. Even though you see the cops do this on television shows, real cops never taste dope they seize ‘cause the stuff could be poison. And confronting your kid at school about illegal stuff is just a bad idea.

Teenagers: Under the United States Constitution you have no "expectation of privacy" in your home or even in your school locker. This means your parents, teacher, school principal, or the cops can search your school locker without a warrant. Never give the police consent to search anything. You don’t have any expectation of privacy or the right to 4th amendment protection from search and seizure at school, and you don’t have it from your mom either. Your parents can search your room. In fact, they can not only search your room, they can turn whatever they find in to the authorities without a search warrant. The police can come in and ask your parents for permission to search your room, and your parents will often given them permission. So remember, if you’re gonna discard my advice and smoke pot as a young adolescent which I THINK IS A VERY VERY BAD IDEA (Seriously, do not break the law. I do not need your money that bad) remember you have no constitutional protection from your parents, school officials or the cops when you are in school.
 

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