Why I Love The Police

Even though I have a deep respect for law enforcement, the feeling is not always mutual. Just ask the police officer against whom I obtained a temporary restraining order.
He actually threatened to kick my ass, and he said this in a public court house in front of a colleague and a District Attorney.

I guess he was not charmed by my insinuations in the courtroom that he was, well, a liar. The enraged police officer’s threat got me some free newspaper publicity, which is pretty cool and always a good thing.

Even though I always do my best to discredit the police in court, some of them like me anyway because they know that I am just doing my job, like they are just doing theirs. So here are a few reasons why I love the police:

1. Cops have a great sense of humor. I was talking to a detective one day and he told me that when he was on patrol a few years ago, he rolled up on a car stopped in the middle of the street with the lights on and the engine running. When he approached the motorist, he noticed that she was slumped over the steering wheel, like she was dead drunk. Then he realized she had a bullet hole in her head and she was merely dead. He told me he tried to figure out a way to arrest her for “driving while dead, but I couldn’t find a statute to arrest her for, so I called the coroner.”

After the incident with the restraining order I sought on one of his fellow officers, I said to this same officer: “Don’t tase me bro’,” and he said: “I can’t make any promises.”

2. Bad cops are good for business. They bring me business when they disregard the Fourth Amendment to the Constitution because they just think it is an impediment to the enforcement of the Penal Code. Most cops have even been trained how to avoid reading the Miranda warnings they are supposed to give defendants, and also how to get them to talk even after they give the warnings. They know if they violate the Miranda rule, the defendant’s statement can be used against him/her if she testifies in trial in her own defense. Most people don’t know it, but if the police invite you to the police station and you voluntarily come down, the cops don’t have to even read you your rights. They tell you, “you know Billy, you can leave anytime you want, you’re not under arrest.” Billy spills out his guts and sometimes they arrest Billy on the spot, and sometimes they wait a week or so and then arrest him and use his confession against him. Never accept an invitation to the police station for a chat. ALWAYS ASK FOR A LAWYER.

3. Police are the only people in the criminal justice system who can legally lie to you. I can’t tell you how many dope dealers and hookers think that if they ask the undercover cop if he is a cop, he or she has to tell the truth. Cops can lie about who they are and then arrest you anyway. They can also lie during police interrogations: “You know Johnny, Billy just confessed and told us everything you did, so now is your turn to tell your side of the story.” They also like to tell you that they have video, DNA, fingerprints, or some other type of incriminating evidence that they do not actually have, just to get you to talk. Remember ALWAYS ASK FOR A LAWYER!

4. Cops have super-human powers. They are the only people in the criminal justice system who judges and juries will almost always believe, no matter what they say. Juries will even convict my clients even if they do not believe the officer, just to get the bad guy. Jurors always tell me on the issue of credibility, that if it came down to the believability of a citizen witness or of a police officer, they would believe the police officer because they are “trained observers.” Cops also tell judges and juries that they have superhuman perception - they can see in the dark better than we can, and they have a superhuman sense of smell. I have heard several police officers testify in court that after they stopped the car, they stood outside the car in the wind and could smell less than an ounce of unburned marijuana in individual sealed baggies sealed within a larger bag which was inside the glove compartment of a 20-year-old stinky car.

If it was not for the police officer’s sharp wit, the ability to trick and lie to unsuspecting defendants, and their super human perception, my job would be much less interesting.

No comments:

Post a Comment